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Remarriage & The Ex-Spouse - How to Set Good Boundaries for Your New Family
One of the most common concerns expressed by my coaching clients in dealing with their fiance’s ex-spouse is how intrusive they will be on their new lives. Most people understand that the ex will be present due to the kids. What most people don’t seem to understand is just how often that may be. This can become a huge stressor once you’re married if your fiance doesn’t set some good boundaries now. Notice I said “your fiance.” THEY need to be the one to talk to their ex-spouse about what’s ok and what isn’t, NOT you. There are several ways your fiance can do this. It can be a formal conversation such as “I need you to call before you come over to the house.” It can also be more informal such as not answering the phone every time they call. It really depends on how good of a relationship they have with their ex. Specific areas for your fiance to consider are: * How they will communicate with one another? * How often communication needs to happen? * Cooperating together to allow any new spouses/partners to be accepted easier by the kids? * How or if changes in parenting time will be handled? I can’t emphasize enough, how important it is for these boundaries to begin being set now before you are married. Without these in place, you are almost guaranteeing many arguments after the marriage due to feeling as if your new family is being constantly intruded upon. If your fiance is reluctant to do this, find out why and see what the two of you can do to problem solve this, as well as what you can do to support them in making these changes. One final thought for you to consider is that your family's schedule could be at the mercy of this other person if they are difficult to deal with. This is a key characteristic between step families and nuclear families. Most people really struggle with feeling trapped by the "other" parent. You must understand the impact this person will have and come to terms with it now.
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Contributor's Note
Come visit us for the best information around on life after divorce, dating after divorce, remarriage preparation and creating the remarriage & step family of your dreams!
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