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Remarriage Preparation - How to Deal with Your Fiance's Ex-Spouse as You Prepare for Remarriage
My remarrying coaching clients complain over and over again about their fiance's ex-spouse. It seems to be an almost universal question as to how to interact with the "ex" in order to keep the peace. The short answer is that it can be really tricky and depends on a LOT of variables!! Let's look at 7 important steps for you to take when dealing with this person. 1. Let your fiance deal with this person, NOT you - While you might be tempted to jump in and rescue your fiance if you see him/her being upset by this person from their past, it's not your place. This is something your fiance needs to sort out. You can support him/her by offering advice, but you can't "do it" for them. 2. Remember they are the other parent - No matter how much you may dislike what this person did in the past, they will be a part of your future. They will always be connected to your fiance and step children. Wishing that wasn't the case won't change it. Making an effort to exclude them so you can be the new parent will back fire. You need to accept now that this person is here to stay. 3. Don't forget their romantic relationship is over - Your partner has chosen to be with you now. You're in the process of planning a new life together. While it's common to worry that you fiance may still care about their ex-spouse, you need to realize they've made the decision to be with you. Trust that. If you can't and doubts are constantly plaguing you, you're not ready to marry just yet. 4. Set good boundaries - If the ex-spouse is constantly intruding on your life with your fiance and step children, it's going to be important that your and fiance discuss what type of boundaries to set with the ex. For example, is it ok for them to just show up at your house unannounced? Is it ok for them to call whenever they want? There's not right or wrong with either of these. It's up to you and your partner to discuss what's "right" for your new family. 5. Don't get pulled into old conflicts - It's not uncommon for ex-spouses to fall into old fighting patterns. Don't get sucked into these! Naturally, you'll want to stick up for your fiance, but let them sort out whatever they are arguing about. 6. Keep your contact to a minimum - There isn't much need for you to speak directly with the ex-spouse so don't. Doing so, will more than likely make you uncomfortable unless your fiance and their ex-spouse have a very positive relationship. Even in this case, it's best to let your fiance speak to their ex-spouse directly. They have "kid business" to discuss and since they kids are theirs, they are the ones who need to be talking. 7. Be civil for everyone's sake - No matter how rude the ex-spouse may be to you, your partner or even the kids, try your best to keep things civil. Your being nasty and hateful only makes things harder for everyone. The last thing you want to do is add to an already tense situation. Are some of these hard? You bet they are! Some ex-spouses are worse than a bad nightmare. If you're unlucky enough to be marrying into this situaiton you need to be realistic about how stressful this situation will be. It won't just suddenly get better once you're married. In fact, it will probably get worse for awhile. Your best guide in all of this is to remember the Golden Rule: "Treat others as you would want to be treated."
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