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Remarriage & Ex-Spouses - Why It's Best to Have Minimal Contact With Your Fiance's Ex-Spouse
Knowing how to act around an ex-spouse causes a lot of confusion for most people. This is one of the most uncomfortable aspects of remarriage. This discomfort is even worse when it's your fiance's ex. Common questions include: "Should I say anything or just smile?", "Should I act cold because they treat my fiance so badly?", "Is it ok for me to pass information to them about their kids?" Let's look at some reasons to maintain minimal contact. Before we get to that though, I want to make sure you understand what I mean by "minimal contact." That doesn't mean purposely ignoring them, or being rude. The reason I emphasize minimal contact is that there isn't much need for you to speak directly with your fiance's ex-spouse. Pleasantries during family occasions is really the extent of the communication you need to have. Going beyond this will more than likely make you uncomfortable unless your fiance and their ex-spouse have a very positive relationship. Even if that is the case, it's best to let your fiance speak to their ex-spouse directly. Are there any specific topics that you personally have to talk to them about? I honestly can't think of many. Your fiance and his/her ex have "kid business" they will need to discuss since the kids are theirs, they are the ones who need to be talking. You will not be helping the situation if you try to communicate with the ex-spouse instead. It's not uncommon for new partners to do this is a way to attempt to mediate between highly conflicted ex-spouses. While your motivation may be good, the result is a disaster most of the time. You're also not allowing them to figure out how to deal with their conflict. This is really important for them, your new marriage and the children. So, while it may be tempting to jump in and offer to handle things, back off and let your fiance step up and deal with his/her ex. Be there to support them if it's difficult, but don't rescue them. In the end, you'll have a stronger step family for it.
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