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Remarriage Communication - How to Take Ownership of What You Need in Your Remarriage
Communication is a vague term. It's one we hear the relationship experts throw around everyday. Why is it so important? It is the means by which we let others know who we are and share what's going on in our lives. In romantic relationships it's extremely important that couples understand how to do this well. As you are engaged to remarry, you are probably intimately familiar with the perils of poor communication from your previous marriage. Poor communication can lead to a variety of outcomes from total withdrawal all the way to physical abuse. One of the most important communication skills is the ability to share concerns with your partner. Depending on how long you and your fiance have been together you may or may not have had to experience this yet. If not, don't assume this partner is perfect for you because you've never had a disagreement. You're still in the blind haze of fresh love. Anytime you spend a lot of time with someone, they will get on your nerves. Don't naively assume it's always going to be a bed of roses or you'll find yourself sorely disappointed. If you have had disagreements, congratulations your relationship is heading in a more mature direction. That's not to celebrate arguments, but just to point out a fact of life. When you have disagreements or concerns about things, it's important that the two of you have a way to be able to share those with your partner in a way for it to be heard. If it's presented incorrectly, it's easy for your partner to disregard it or for a fight to break out. That should never be your goal in bringing up concerns. The goal should be to open the door for problem solving. Good problem solving skills will be reviewed in another article. For now, I want to focus on an effective way to bring up your concerns. This skill is called the "I Message." Here's how it works: I feel ____ when ____ because _____ I want/need/would like _____ Starting the discussion with "I feel" allows you to take ownership for the problem. It's YOUR problem at this point in time because you're feeling a certain way. The worst mistake you can make is to start off with "you ___". None of us like a finger being pointed at us and we become defensive. The likelihood for the discussion to turn ugly increases greatly. The "when & because" provide further detail about why you feel the way you do. Finally "I want/need/would like" begins to set the discussion up for problem solving. Here's an example to show you how it works: "I feel frustrated when you get off the phone with your ex and are upset because I want to protect you from that and can't. I need you to try to get off the phone quicker to avoid him berating you." Using this little tip can make the difference between arguments or open discussions. I encourage you to write it down and keep it somewhere you can see it so you can USE it.
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Contributor's Note
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