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Divorce to Remarriage - What Needs to Be Packed Away Before Your Remarriage
Preparing for a remarriage is an exciting time in one's life. You want this marriage to work. You look forward to the stability that you think marriage will bring. Fears are also common, and honestly pretty normal. It is a big decision after all. There's the fear of the marriage not working out. The fear of the kids not liking your new partner. And the fear that your partner's kids may not like you. But you've pushed beyond these fears and are making the wedding plans. One of the most important things to "pack" when preparing for this move is "your past." Make sure you leave it in the past. Let's take a look at what I mean by that and what it entails. 1. There should no longer be strong emotions when thinking about your ex-spouse for you or or your new partner. It's typical to be really angry at your ex-spouse during and right after a divorce, whether you initiated the process or not. This strong feeling is there because you've not totally "emotionally divorced" yet. The opposite of love is NOT hate. It is indifference. When you no longer spend a lot of time thinking about your ex, you know you've moved on and put that chapter of your life in your past. You may have fond memories from that time in your life, but they aren't powerful feelings anymore. The anger and bitterness has subsided. There's no reason for your new partner to have strong feelings toward your ex-spouse either. Jealousy shouldn't be a part of your relationship. Why? Because you've reassured your partner that you have no strong emotions toward your ex by not being overly focused on your ex anymore. Seeing this should help your new partner understand there's no reason to be threatened. 2. All child custody arrangements and post-divorce settlements should be complete. You've moved beyond all of those battles. You're now able to co-parent effectively with your ex-spouse. You're both familiar with the schedule and are able to compromise with it when necessary. You're both focused on your children and meeting their needs. The anger and arguing that may have happened early on while both of you adjusted to the custody arrangements has subsided. 3. You and your children have transitioned well into single parenting and have created a stable life together. This is a key factor in knowing you've put the past in the past. You feel you have a good handle on this single parenting thing. It doesn't feel nearly as overwhelming as it once did. Because of that, you and your children feel like life has become stable again. There aren't the huge swings in mood from any or all of you as there was when all of you were adjusting to the changes. Your life feels normal now, not like some bad dream. Without these aspects in place, an effective remarriage is going to be hard to accomplish. They will get in the way. They will effect your ability to be a good partner. They will effect your partner's ability to trust your relationship. And they will effect your children's ability to make an honest attempt at bonding with their new step parent.
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